#001 – Turntable Rant

Jesus.

I gotta say, I’m all for new things in the field of turntables… however, this crosses the line to totally gimmicky/trendy.

The Floating Record Vertical Turntable by Gramovox.

From their Kickstarter:

The Floating Record is a high-performance turntable that plays your records vertically through built-in, dynamic, full-range stereo speakers (or via RCA line out). We reimagined turntable technology that uses audiophile-grade materials and components. The result is a visually and mechanically sound way to experience vinyl music.

Floating Record (TRADEMARK! TRADEMARKED NAME!)

Cool. Alright, I’m seeing some components here that are vaguely similar to Pro-ject’s elemental and RPM turntables… no real base for the vinyl and similar belt drives.

Here’s the Pro-Ject Elemental.

Ok, so there’s one very obvious difference between the two, you’ll say. It’s a FLOATING FUCKING RECORD!!!! You’ll say.

I’m completely not interested in this concept. Here are a list of things that should float:

• Beach balls
• Styrofoam
• Toy boats
• Corks
• Life jackets
• Real boats

I would really like to know exactly how this machine will hold up when a person is walking around their living room. Will it skip? You are expected to place all faith in the “record clamp” which is screwed in to hold the record in place. I’m afraid of gravity here. It’s easier to lay a pen on its side than to stand it up.

Carbon-fibre tonearms are highly revered right now, so good on them for including that. Again though, I see how it’s fully-adjustable, but wouldn’t gravity interfere with how the tonearm is pushed up against the record? I see that tracking force is applied (it’s factory set) with a spring, but I don’t know how that would last over time… as a kid, I always fucked up a slinky pretty horribly.

The Floating Record (trademarked… don’t sue me… please…) uses an AT95E cartridge. I have no real problems with Audio-Technica cartridges, I use one on one of my turntables, but my theory is that it was chosen not for its supposed “smooth high end,” but for its user-friendliness. This isn’t really an audiophile cartridge… more like a “plug and play” kind of deal.

Which leads me to the dreaded plug and play aspect – with the built-in speakers and amp, like everyone’s favourite Crosley… but with the option to completely bypass the speakers and plug in your own. But really, what’s the point. Unless you’re concerned about which way you want your speakers to face, the 15W amp is really nothing to work with.

Also, it comes with a felt mat, which I wouldn’t advise using really because it comes with a built-in acrylic platter. The felt mat and the increased weight from the clamp would add some unnecessary static… and, thanks to gravity, the felt will eventually wear down and bend from being so straight all the time.

This next part made me cover my eyes and my Mom was concerned. Brace yourselves. Under “Ease of Use,” they have a video demonstrating how you can put the vinyl on the contraption. Watch if you dare.

Yikes. Dropping the tonearm like that can’t be good for the record OR the needle. Also, pushing the vinyl into place… everything about the hands in that video… god no.

In conclusion, if you are interested in getting this turntable because it looks cool because it “floats,” think about how sad your records will be.

How could you make Richard cry?

With a $349 minimum for backers to purchase one of these (and $55 shipping to Canada), you are better off investing in a good system with individual components. Down with plug and plays!

Verdict: On the “yikes, really, are you serious” scale: 5/5.